...ramblings of a fashionable sociopath

Saturday, February 25, 2012

peine de coeur

I comforted a friend with a broken heart today...seeing her pain reminded me of all the times my heart was broken. Of all the past romances that, even now, cause a twinge of regret...even shame...Remembering all the mistakes that were made along the way is not pleasant. Remembering how the world crashed down and  a pain took over that was so big it was hard to breathe or to get out of bed in the morning....still makes me sad.

Love is what human beings have in common. It is our basic instinct..our need. We love our parents, our friends, our siblings. We yearn to be loved. And when we love we gain an understanding of ourselves that cannot be gained otherwise.

Do you remember your first heartbreak?

Only when you live through that emotional devastation do all those songs/poems/movies make sense. When you truly loved...completely, selflessly loved...
When you reveled in longing someone so badly nothing else mattered..
When you nursed your unrequited feelings like a precious icon... because that pain made you alive? Made you FEEL life?

Remember those times when your love was returned? When the world took your breath away and every day...EVERY DAY...was amazing. The electricity you felt with each touch...each kiss?

As I drive home from another exhausting day all my past romances pass by. They left their mark but they are shadows now.
I hear our song...I feel him near me. I smile because he loves me so well.

Whether your loves have been beautifully tragic or truly fulfilling they mattered. Love makes us human. Even if sometimes they don't lead to a happy ending.
Amor fati, right?

Wednesday, February 8, 2012


My old man is a bad man
But I can't deny the way he holds my hand
And he grabs me, he has me by my heart
He doesn't mind I have a Las Vegas past
He doesn't mind I have a L.A crass way about me
He loves me with every beat of his cocaine heart

Swimming pool
Glimmering darling
White bikini off with my red nail polish
Watch me in the swimming pool
Bright blue ripples, you
Sitting sipping on your black crystal, oh yeah

Light of my life, fire in my loins
Be a good baby, do what I want
Light of my life, fire in my loins
Gimme them gold coins
Gimme them coins

And I'm off to the races, races
Up Bacardi chases
Chasing me all over town
Cause he knows i'm wasted,
Facing time again at Riker's Island
And I won't get out

Because I'm crazy, baby
I need you to come here and save me
I'm your little scarlet, starlet
Singing in the garden,
Kiss me on my open mouth
Ready for you

My old man is, a tough man
But he got a soul as sweet as blood red jam
And he shows me, he knows me every inch of my tar black soul
He doesn't mind I have a flat broke down life
In fact he says he thinks it's what he might like about me, admires me
The way I roll like a rolling stone

Likes to watch me in the glass room, bathroom
Chateau Marmont
Slipping on my red dress, putting on my make up
Glass film, perfume, cognac, lilac,
Fume, says it feels like heaven to him

Light of his life, fire of his loins
Keep me forever, tell me you want me
Light of your life, fire of your loins
Tell me you want me, gimme them coins

And I'm off to the races, races
Up Bacardi chases
Chasing me all over town