...ramblings of a fashionable sociopath

Friday, November 25, 2011


Do you ever have that moment when an image or a passing thought catches you off guard and brings back a memory...a thought of a time passed?

 I'm often surprised how amy image of Paris does this to me. I was there once (so far) but for those two weeks I was incredibly blissfully happy. I built this city up in my mind for so long that I was sure I would be disappointed. That nothing I ever could imagine would be true to life...but it was.

 It was different. Sometimes it was bitter cold and unwelcoming. Sometimes it would be so glorious that I could not imagine a place like this truly exists in this world. And the light...the PINK light that warmly envelops you...surrounds you like a visceral does it do that?

Why do I miss it so? Why do I love this city even though I have no true ties to it...why do I yearn to go back so much that it often brings back a tear? How is this city able to touch so many people from different backgrounds, with different pasts and make them fall in love with it again and again. It's just Paris after all. But it is JUST Paris. It will never be a cliche. It will never stop being amazing.

I know I will be back. I want to go back with him.
Paris should be seen with the man who will always love you.

" "La Vie en Rose" means seeing life through pink-colored glasses. And only in Paris, where the light is pink, that is possible."

Saturday, November 19, 2011

A kindred spirit

My favorite artist. What he creates is unreal...stunningly beautiful...mesmerizing. He once said these creatures were inspired by his time at Toronto Children's Cancer Hospital. He wanted to create children that were demented, strange and strong enough to chase away the nightmares of his little patients and protect them from their disease. (collective "awhhh").

Of course that doesn't quite explain images like this, does it?

"I live in a brick house with my wonderful wife Jane and a coyote called Bonnie. I like eating avocados and I don't mind being a dog." 

Ray Caesar

Sunday, November 13, 2011

A bittersweet kiss...

He leaves again...our separation is not for long...not compared to what others have to endure. We are very fortunate to be able to see each other this often and for such long periods of time. I would not give up our amazing weekends for anything. These little islands of happiness when every single moment is spent in absolute love with another being.

We do this well, I must say. We have always done this well. But even as time passes my sadness doesn't diminish. I try to silence that annoying little clock that starts ticking away as soon as he arrives.
                                                                                   Tick tock.

                                           Laugh, embrace, devour...
               listen to his breath slow down as he falls asleep holding you so tightly as if he thinks you will slip away...

Drink every moment in as if it is the last. Capture in your mind all those moments to hold you over until next time...
                                                                                        Tick tick tick tick...

     Departures are excruciating. UNBEARABLE. Suffocating because they are inevitable.
                         They are because of how incredible this love is. How deep, all encompassing and raw it is....worth every tear shed from longing.

This is temporary. It shall be that period of time which we'll remember fondly. Perhaps. And we are both strong and unwavering in our desire for this life together that I do not doubt we will make it. Not even for a second.

                We say goodbye and I come home to an empty bed with his smell on my pillow...and something in me dies a little.   I am an intelligent being capable of rationalizing anything. But once in a while...once in a while I stomp my feet and skulk and cry because...


Thursday, November 10, 2011


i like my body when it is with your    
       body. It is so quite a new thing.   
Muscles better and nerves more.    
  i like your body. i like what it does,    
       i like its hows. i like to feel the spine    
of your body and its bones, and the trembling   
  -firm-smooth ness and which i will    
       again and again and again    
                   kiss, i like kissing this and that of you,    
i like, slowly stroking the, shocking fuzz    
    of your electric fur, and what-is-it comes    
over parting flesh . . . . 

And eyes big Love-crumbs,     
         and possibly i like the thrill    
   of under me you quite so new

ee cummings

He is here tomorrow. Happy kitten love face meow

Wednesday, November 9, 2011

Once upon a time...

A long time ago I was a dancer. I danced as long as I remember and I became a professional at 16. It has been such an integral part of me...of how I defined myself that it's strange how easily I forgot it.
How easily I gave it up for my career...

Every once in a while...when I am all alone and sad, I put on my favorite music and I dance until i can't see from the tears streaming down my face.

I want to dance again. My body is young and I have no doubt it will remember it's former glory.
There is a studio in this little town I am confined to for the next 3 years...a place where the milonga happens each Saturday...My love shall come with me. We need to practice for our trip to Buenos Aires - the underground clubs we'll go to will accept no less...

I am happy he will come. I am curious to see how my past, the only private part of my life that he has not been privy to, will affect him.

 I shall not think about anything else except him...and the music.