Wednesday, December 28, 2011
Perfectly content to be permanently broken
Interesting thought isn't it? Alas this is not mine.
Not stated to elicit pity or condolences, nor to invite comparisons. Just a statement of a truth that once was mine.
Brief moment of truth? Your worst boyfriend? I dated him. For reasons that would require this blog to become the Volumes I, II, and III of Bella's life we shall not go into this in detail. Let's just say that short of being physically abused I have experienced every possible low one can experience in a relationship.
Does that leave a mark? I'm sure. But it DOES NOT preclude happiness.
When I grew up ( to the extent that merits people calling you "ma'am" and getting a job where maturity makes a differences between life and death) I had resolved myself to living alone. I knew I would continue to have relationships...have many friends in my life...perhaps even a child.. No, definitely a child. But I would never have someone who truly loved me. I would never seek shelter in the arms of a man who loved me. I would never have someone to pick up the pieces when my world crashed down. There would never be a wedding.
To reiterate, I am not telling you this to elicit pity or empathy, just my thoughts at the time.
I never thought my life would be particularly empty or somehow unfulfilled if I never became part of a couple. (i'm not trying to sound like a traitor to my gen...boys make life better, blah blah blah...not true in the least! But this one does and this is MY story so deal with it.)
Happiness is a funny thing isn't it? For someone not used to experiencing true happiness...(oh God i am actually using this word)...it creeps in quietly. Slowly. It sort of buffers every day to be a little softer. A little less gut wrenching or devastating. Because when you come home happiness is waiting. With a glass of wine, that handsome smile and arms that could make the world stop spinning, it is waiting.
For one disillusioned with love to find that a man can love completely and utterly as deeply as you is shocking. To love you how you have only read in books...not with grand gestures (though they are there) but with those little every day moments that let you know that EVERY SINGLE SECOND someone loves you.
They love every broken and not broken piece of you. They NOTICE every detail of you that even you may not have thought was special. They fight for you until their last breath and when you hurt they hurt as much as you.
And oh my goodness how his kisses take my breath away every time! Hell, even the way he looks at me across a room...time stands still when he looks at me like that.
That is a love not distance or time can touch.
And even if...although NOT if because I would not live in that world...if that love would end I would always know that I was loved by a man. Story book/amazeballs/perfectly loved, by a real man.
This year has wreaked havoc on me in many ways..but the memories of past pain and shock is dimming. The only thing that remains is that this year i met Him..that alone is all worth it.