Old skin

It's funny....It's been a while since we broke..yet, once in a while, I find myself missing HIM. Like a whiff of a stranger's perfume or a fleeting image, a memory of him appears and creates a ...pause.

I shake it off. Memories of him no longer make me sad...or even melancholy. I can listen to, what used to be, our song and not feel that familiar stabbing pain in my heart I learned to count as my own when we were together.

But once in a while...once in a while a song comes along and I revert. Memories of our wintery love flash back...I long for my friend. I long for the  LOVE I had with a handsome man who loved me so passionately. I mourn what we used to be. I close my eyes...and wish I was back in his arms and all was right with the world. The future that I once held in my hand...the future with grey eyes and soft lips...is gone forever. It was never "to be"...but the pain remains. Despite how strongly I convinced myself that it was the right choice.
I KNOW with the entirety of my being that it was the right choice. But my heart misses nonetheless...especially on cold dark nights like tonight.

I blink and the moment passes. He was not the ONE.
...all the is left now are killer songs.

Ssssssssss.....

It's almost here. My favorite holiday, my day to get excited about winter, my day to give and receive presents...New Year's Eve. Purr, purr, puuuuurrrrrrrrr

This year will be the Year of the Snake.

What does it mean for us? Well, nothing I suppose, if you do not follow the Chinese horoscope.
For those of us that do this means certain traditions must be followed when "greeting" the New Year in order to ensure that this year starts our properly. Russians follow the rules pretty seriously when it comes to NYE.

From what i can see emerald green (the color of a snake's eyes?) must be worn...yeah, that is not going to happen. As I have stressed multiple times I do not accept colors other than black. And emerald green is definitely NOT in m future. Fortunately for me this year is the year of the BLACK snake. Mwah-hah-hah.

Table? Well it bears repeating that the table must be filled chalk-full of goodies and delicacies...Champagne must flow like a river and no guest shall leave the house unsatisfied.

As for what the year shall bring...Well that, of course, depends on how much belief you assign to astrology I suppose. According to multiple sources the black snake is going to be astute in observations and deft in actions. This animal will be a seductive creature, able to resolve complicated situations quickly and easily. However, this snake will also be prone to spending money frivolously which may lead to tensions on the personal front...uh-oh...guess my bank account won't look any better this year either. :)

Famous snakes: Audrey Hepburn, Kim Basinger, Bob Dylan, Greta Garbo, Dean Martin

Cheers to another year, hope your night is filled with champagne and laughter,

hearts, Bellatrix

A Christmas thought...

am working tonight....while everyone is at home spending Christmas Eve with their loved ones I am waiting for another disaster to roll through the door...

On silent nights like these my thoughts revert to my past. My fragmented memories of childhood are limited, despite how happy it was. I remember bits and pieces, never full days or events...but those fleeting bits seem to have stuck permanently in my mind. 

I remember a starry night, like tonight, when my mom picked me up from kindergarden. She put me in my little sleigh and wrapped me in a huge blanket. It was such a quiet and dark night...only illuminated by the occasional street light and the falling snow flakes. As I drifted to sleep I looked up at the sky and let the snow flakes fall on my tongue...The sky seemed enormous...it took up the entire universe...there was no one around except her and I felt so perfectly calm...so safe...happy. 

I saw old churches drift by...benches covered in blankets of lush snow...trees with heavy branches covered in fluffy white. We didn't talk...often we did not have to. We just enjoyed the ride home (me definitely more than her since I was getting the better end of the deal). The holidays were near and we were going to spend them together...like we always have. 

I remember that night so vividly, as if it just happened, though I must have been 3 or 4 at the time. It's funny what events form our memories, isn't it? I remember the snow and the night and I feel loved...I feel closer to my home though I am very very far away tonight. 

I think of my family...of the friends I have met through the years and was lucky enough to keep. I think of my love and where he is tonight.
My mind is full of memories of holidays past...my heart keeps them close. I close my eyes and I am home again.

One of my favorite poems...
I carry your heart with me (I carry it in my heart)
I am never without it (anywhere you go, my dear, 
and whatever is done by only me is your doing my darling)...
....
Here is the deepest secret nobody knows 
(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud
and the sky of the sky of a tree called life; which grows
higher that soul can hope or mind can hide)
and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart

I carry your heart ( I carry it in my heart)

And thus with this I wish you a Merry Christmas my friends. May your world be infinite with possibilities and your life filled with love. You are in my heart tonight...and always.

Mon Hiver

It is 82 degrees outside today...and though the leaves are finally turning yellow it does not feel like fall, much less a winter. Yet my thoughts return to a season that seems still so far away.

Two years ago we fell in love during a winter... We spent many nights dancing in the candlelight of our beautiful house looking out on the valley below, draped in pure white snow.

I will remember that winter forever...I saw the sun so rarely then...I went to work before it came up and left way after sundown. I remember long, bitterly cold, nights tempered by a crackling fireplace...a glass of my favorite red waiting for me when I came home. And there was always...ALWAYS...music. We slow danced while we made dinner and even now, when I close my eyes, I can see his face lit so perfectly by the warm candlelight. We fell asleep in each others arms as the fluffy snowflakes covered the world...slowly...inevitably...completely. The nights were pitch black and oh so quiet. During the snowstorms that ravaged the city it felt as though we were the only two people left...how safe and loved I felt...

 I do not miss that city...much. I do not miss leaving a warm bed at 4am to scrape off ice of my little car and freeze until the air conditioner kicked in. I do not miss the smog hanging low over the city streets suffocating air and sunlight. I do not miss being so cold that no amount of clothing could help me get warm.

But I miss THAT winter. That winter made us...created us...made us love each other and forced us back together when we wanted to give up. I miss our cozy nights of endless conversation. I long for the dinners we created together and the parties we threw for our friends. I yearn for the way that cold winter made us crave each other in a way I had not known before. And I will always...ALWAYS...miss the music. Those songs haunt me. Music is such a key part of us...I cannot imagine our love without it.

I am coming back this winter. I will land smack in the middle of cold January, when the city is ravaged by snow and wind. When I walk outside the gleaming crisp sunlight will burn my eyes and the world will be covered in white. I will jump into the warm belly of our steel animal on wheels and he will take me back...back to our beautiful house overlooking the valley. Back to the candlelight...and the music.

and thus a new decade of Bellatrix begins...

One week until I am off --

Prague.
A city described as a "goth Paris"...which sounds too good to be true. A plethora of dark churches, intricate gardens and, in the spirit of any true European city, days filled with wine and carnivorous degustation.


Itinerary thus far includes Kutna Hora...the church made of human bones.

I die :)

Gehry's amazeballs "Dancing House." 

Mozart in the candlelight in this bad bitch (St Vitus cathedral). 

It goes without saying that modern art shall be found, fondled, and savored thoroughly.

Am crossing fingers for an Indian summer that will allow me to flaunt all those yummy chic things that have withered in boredom in my closet. Cashmere coats...paper thin leather gloves...fluffy sweaters and skintight gowns...finally!
Just as visiting Paris without buying a bottle of eau de perfume would be criminal, leaving Prague without un peau garnet bijoux is not allowed.

This September marks another birthday. Except this time I am a decade older...

As I have mentioned before birthdays are NOT my thing. I do not revel in or embrace them. I loathe time  in general as I never feel I have enough. Enough time with those I love...enough time in places I want to see...enough time to live on this planet, really. But I hope that a beautiful fall in a glorious city perfected by time shall soften the blow.

I am deeply loved. I am healthy and, reasonably, intelligent. I still look sixteen. And this September I am given the incredible gift of feeling like the old me...the way I only feel when I am in Europe. I am given a taste of LIFE as it should be.

Everything in my life is about to become much more interesting. I am now officially an adult and a woman in the prime of my existence. I shall try in earnest to remember that every day and use my powers (mostly) for good. :)

Cheers.

Bonne année et bonne santé

I hope you are spending it with someone you love...whether it's a quiet night or a night barely remembered in the morning, may it mark the beginning of a year filled with happiness, adventure and lots of surprises.

I am off to Vegas to welcome New Year with my love. Let the red champagne flow...

A White Christmas

Have you ever seen this movie? I was introduced to it on my first Christmas in US. Although many many movies about the subject have been made since, none quite captures the magic of this season like the songs from this movie. Bing Crosby's voice, velvety soft and deep, singing as if only to you. Wishing YOU a White Christmas. Why don;t they make stars like that anymore???

And the finale? dear GOD I would of actually stabbed someone for those red pointe shoes and tutu when I was a kid. (kidding? )

This movie is glorious. The song is truly beautiful...enjoy.
Whether you are religious or not, I hope this holiday season brings you a little more happiness, close to those who matter.